Start Your Journey

I started my faith walk about 12 to 15 years ago. I was always jealous of those who recalled the anniversary of the day they gave their life over to God, but I was never good at remembering dates. I also didn’t think remembering the date of salvation because I was consistently falling in and out of grace so often, I would have had to start the clock over at least twice a month.

The moment God revealed himself to me, I was experiencing public humiliation, shame, ridicule, and mockery. At that time in my life, I believed that God’s allowance of circumstance created for me a bubble of grace that was unbreakable. I was wrong. At that time, my morals were questionable, my loyalty to friends was non-existent, my disregard for the feelings of others was common nature.

I felt isolated and alone. The friends I thought I had, were nowhere to be found. These same friends celebrated who I was, but when the truth was exposed, they reveled in my destruction. I considered myself to be mighty, and oh how I had fallen. The truth was, I had become obsessed with a young man who didn’t want to give me the time of day. At the time, my shame made me question my worth to the point where I felt as though I needed his validation to know my own value. His description of my actions was not as flattering.

My life took a quick downward spiral after this moment. I had done so much for so many people, my apology tour would have never ended, so I didn’t start it. I just decided it would probably be best to disappear. I moved away from the city, and then I moved out of the state. I decided to re-invent myself with morals and standards that I didn’t previously hold. Unfortunately, I didn’t try to heal from the circumstances that occurred and so I just continued to carry them with me. I understand now what they say when you hear the saying, you can’t run from your problems. I believe now, if I stayed to face them, taken accountability, and apologize for the pain I had caused, I believe the mercy that I begged God for, would have come faster than it did.

Because I was afraid to hurt anyone else, I became the people pleaser who lacked boundaries. Unhealed traumas don’t disappear, they just transform into the new character you attempt to portray. After 14 years, I still live with the regret of not telling the truth about myself to the people I had harmed. I had created an illusion of who I was in the world because the truth was, I had no idea who I really was. If I could go back, I would face that truth. I believe if I did face that truth, the seed that I sowed, would not have been reaped at a time, when I thought I would be happiest.

I try my best not to be envious of another person’s journey, because God didn’t tell me what was going to happen in the one, I’m in now and this journey has been rough. I am hoping I get the soul warrior vacation package in 2023. I still don’t want to be so foolish as to assume that because someone makes their journey look easy, that I could survive the obstacles they had to face to get there. Sometimes, God will allow us to experience the journey of another, to teach us to focus on our own.